Farther Down?

It's a low day today. February 14, another one alone. It's not much of a bother having more of the same. What bugs me though is the day itself. The day calls attention to partnership. I would be better off not reminded of the things I'll never have. You truly do miss the things you never have.

The more I grip in and climb these walls the taller it gets. I don't think I will ever win. I'm growing and learning but nothing seems to change. I've changed, due to lack of care Im sure. others opinions of me have never mattered much to me. But I'm trying so hard to throw myself out there, I wanna be better. All I get in return are juvenile flakes and ghosts. The stories are always the same no matter where I go. It gets old. I'm too old for this shit now. Situations never change, and my life has become one painfully lonely loop. The world moves on and I'm just here standing still. Every part inside of me is screaming, but you wouldn't know. I'd smile and talk to you, counting the seconds until you were done(acquaintances mostly). It beats being caught in my own thoughts. 

I find it so hard to find someone that I am enamored with immediately. I miss that chemistry, so hard to find and such a rush. I am in no means saying I couldn't build up to it with someone. It's so hard to find a true person, I seem to find the fake ones most of the time, they want something like money or constant validation(think of constant selfies and hunting for likes). I just feel worse knowing everyone around me has someone one and Im just the stray they keep around. 

But why do I feel like something is missing. I can't describe it other than whats not there. I may be broken. I'm not looking for someone to fix me, I want acceptance. Thats why I seek another, more or less to share in the mutual acceptance of our flaws. The truly perfect things are imperfect. I mean I find beauty in the imperfections, they make the individual truly unique. When held up to the light the objects with cracks shine through with more light. 

Am I climbing anymore or just sinking?