Some Kind of Change

It wasn't always like this. I wasn't always like this...

I used to be competitive, driven, confident. I can't really describe it but I had something else there too. I could pick up things quick and work with it (actually I can still do that pretty well). But life just beats you down. Somewhere down the line priorities evolve, or change. You adapt or die, and so I did. Along the way it shapes me, so I change. When all I get is the shit end of the stick I stopped really caring about, what the stick is, how to get a better one, or whos is best. I become happy just knowing I had one. Im thankful in a way for that. I mostly roll things off or move on. But I no longer compete, no longer feel driven at all. 

So I turned to art for along time to express myself. But even people destroy that too. The bureaucracy of college, and ass kissing I refused to take part in did not win me any favors. So I've mostly stopped that as well. 

I'm not here to get pity. I just simply miss the colors, before everything became grey. Before I became so cynical. It's been so many years but I feel that things may change, maybe I can reawaken something inside. 

Maybe I just need a muse. I dont think I can be enough, I need something more. I've been alone so long that I feel that it's accurate. Some people are driven from certain things. I feel that I am objective oriented, not just by myself but ordered by others.