Isolation or Desolation

Would you know the difference? Is there even a difference? Where is the line?

It's hard at this moment to see much of a difference between them. Just think about it, emptiness or loneliness. They go hand in hand really. I mean you could always be lonely even in a room full of people. You could also be hollow and yet the life of the party. Some of us just have to be broken.

Am I seeking companionship out of necessity to feel something again? I wonder if I can even fill this hole? I've always been alone but it would be nice to feel again. I of course, would love companionship but it scares the shit out of me. Every step is nerve racking, the under/overtexting for one. I go through the steps of under sharing or over sharing, asking too many questions or being to willing  to answer. Every step destroys me. Am I annoying her, or is she just uninterested. To be honest, there is another option, maybe shes just fucking busy or hasnt checked her phone. My mind just wont go to the kind option. I know it's  there, but being so used to this nothingness, I pull back into my more negative and realist mindset. All these steps over and over just to end the same way, they stop talking to me. Every continuing attempt reminding me that I deserve this. In a strange way I am also relieved. It's sad really, Reverting back to what you already know. 

I fear that the one I involve in my courtship would look into my eyes and see nothingness. She would see just dead eyes. Would she be able to see the pain, or just the emptyness? Who would stay for that?