Imprisonment and Coexistence

People can be so different, It's truly astounding. Even brothers and sister can be so wildly different from one another. Just minor differences in their lives lead to completely different personalities or ways of thinking. In some ways we become diminished. I feel as though were all prisoners to ourselves, to our hang ups, locked away within our insecurities. We become stuck within our controlled selves.

I am of course a prisoner to myself. I feel like I sink while I stand, locked within myself. I am stuck thinking, never to act, realizing I'm a prisoner to myself. Trapped here, some days I hate my life, or rather I just hate myself. But other days I find myself to be great, stuck between the days of feeling good enough, to feeling incompetent. Some days I look at myself in the mirror and ask myself how I got like this. Other days I look and find that I am glad to be like I am after all the years.

I try to stay grounded, although others place me on a pedestal. They claim I waste my potential, that I should do better. So I go against this. I will fight it to show them how much their opinions do not matter to me, basically Becoming self destructive. Times are different now and nothing is guaranteed and that is something others cannot seem to understand.

I've always been a more relaxed individual, more the suffer in silence type. I have been okay with my work. I'm not looking to make a ton of money, or work all day everyday. I know that nobody truly wants to work all day. But I just want to experience moments, the moments that you hold onto, the ones that call you back. But the world has changed and the times are tough,so our lives get pushed to the back for our work.

So I hate myself for thinking of what I could be. But I love myself for who I am now. They're dueling beliefs, but because of who I am they coexist and are in a way codependent. I imprisoned myself. I fuel myself on misery, so I love myself for being the type of person that feels stronger from the pain I feel. If you couldn't tell, It just means I am a big fucking mess. I know the things I have done and I know what I deserve. So I figure the one thing I do want will probably never come, so I have hid myself away. I locked myself up. I hold myself to restrictions, to the pain and loneliness I feel.