The Way I Process

Our lives are all made up of PTSD moments. The happy experiences may influence us, but we are more custom to be affected by our hardships. Basically we become shaped by our pain. This pain has always fascinated me.

I may complain about the burdens and pain I feel but I actually love it. The truth is I thrive off it. I will go out of my way to seek it out. I know I am a product of my experiences but I have no idea how I became this way.

I am not the best person at expressing my emotions, or most of the time I just feel nothing so I tend to hold tight towards the people and things that make me experience the extremes of my emotions. I seek out bonds, bonds to break or bonds to make. I listen to music that help me feel these extremes, and like to save movies that also do this. It does not matter the emotion as long as it makes me feel one. I love my friends and family, see I think of my friends more as siblings rather then friends. I would fight tooth and nail for these people.

Here comes my problem. I have always felt and I am certain will always feel that the pain I endure makes me a stronger and better person. I continue to test myself whenever possible and seek out things that will cause me suffering now or within the future. As the song self esteem by the Offspring says, "The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care." I know its weird to quote but it rings true to me. The stronger the pain you over come, the stronger the person you will be. These ordeals help me feel something, anything.

Now I am stuck. I stated this before but the problems are here, I seek bonds to make or break, I love friends and family and I seek suffering either now or in the future. So It boils down to this, I think all the time of the worst scenarios that could happen to me and those I love. I think of what these events will do to me and how they will make me stronger. Keep in mind that I in no way wish pain on those I love. I know something will happen someday, that's life. I of course do not want these things to happen to those I care for, but I am in a way prepared for it.

I know that I am indeed clearly one fucked up person but my friends do know that I would do all I could for them and more. But i doubt they would understand my thoughts. As stated before i do feel, maybe not to much. I have had great and very moving moments due to happiness but pain is my best way to process everything.